GUEST COLUMN: How To Play Chess
By President Joseph R. Biden, Jr.
Hello, new subscribers! As part of Late Michigan’s commitment to free speech, we routinely invite public figures to guest-write the newsletter. Most recently, we asked the Democratic Party to explain their side of things. Today, we’re proud to publish this essay by Joseph R. Biden, Jr.
Mr. Biden is the 46th President of the United States. You can add him on Snapchat: @joe.
My fellow Americans. Listen up.
You might have heard I got Covid again. It’s true.
And if you hear one thing I say today, let it be this: don’t panic.
I’m fine. I’m resting. We’re gonna beat this thing.
I’m serious! Joe Biden is firing on all cylinders. And with five whole days off, I got to catch up on some of my favorite pastimes — like chess!
You ever play it?
Chess a neat little game, chock full of strategy. You get a bunch of guys to move around, and some of 'em look like castles.
I’ve been playing chess for four decades. I know all the players really well, and they beat me about half the time, so you know I know what I’m talking about.
I’ll let you in on a secret, kid. If you’re serious about winning, here’s how you play chess.
Scrap a few pawns as a sign of goodwill.
This is a good way to get started. Every — and I mean every — good chess game starts with what they call a “classic opener.” This is Joe Biden’s.
Pick two or three of your little guys and just flick 'em off the board.
Pow! You don’t even need 'em!
This is a sign you mean business. Plus, it lets the other guy know you get where he’s coming from. Sets a congenial mood for the whole thing.
Speaking of the other guy…
Listen to the other player’s advice.
Don’t get me wrong, bub. You don’t have to take all of it!
But come on! It’s sportsmanlike conduct!
You gotta hear him out. And you gotta keep hearing him out, even when he gives you the same answers every game. It’s how he’ll know you’re ready to negotiate whenever he is.
Who knows? Maybe one day he’ll scrap a few pawns of his own!
Never stop playing chess.
You hear me? If you said you’d play a game of chess, then you’re playing a game of chess. Scout’s honor.
I’m not saying you’re gonna like it all the time!
Let’s say the other guy starts playing Parcheesi. Pretty soon, you might realize he’s really good at Parcheesi. You’re getting your ass kicked over on that board.
You gotta stay the course!
I mean it! Keep playing chess. Those were the terms you agreed to, and you’re gonna abide by them.
Now let’s say your opponent starts playing dodgeball.
I get it! I hear you! It’s pretty tempting to stop playing chess, pick up a ball, and beam the other guy right in the kisser! But who looks worse in the eye of history?
If you lose, you lose with your head held high. You’re making your family proud, spud.
Which is a nice thing to remember when the other guy starts playing archery.
See if anyone wants to swap games.
My friend Nancy loves this one. Things aren’t going so well on your board? Time to wander around and find another. Lightning bug to a lamppost, as the saying goes.
Any game will work, but it helps if at least one player is playing chess. Maybe they need a refresher on the rules. Or maybe they have some pieces you can use!
The point is, you can’t lose where you’re not sitting.
When that doesn’t work, I have one last trick up my sleeve.
Ask for another chess set.
This is a great strategy when you’re behind, and also when you’re ahead. Turn to the person who gave you this chessboard and ask for another one.
Bam! It’s a whole new ball game!
Excuse me — a whole new chess game.
What’s great about this move is you can do it as much as you want. As long as there’s another game out there, you can ask for it.
They give you one? Ask for another!
They give you trouble? Ask again — and tell 'em Joe Biden sent you.
They should know what that means by now.
